Funny Business

EDITOR'S NOTE: The material in this column does not necessarily reflect the views of Sojourners magazine or its staff. (They made me put that in ...)

An Urge to Purge ...

We've frankly become a little tired of all the Quayle-bashing we see in the media these days. We feel that our vice president has more than proven himself in his new position as remote site spokesperson for the administration and should be given a little better treatment. So we are calling for a national moratorium on making fun of Dan Quayle. Enough is enough.

So this is absolutely our last time.

(Unfortunately, we have to devote most of the column to this purpose. We could have dragged it out over the year, but we felt it would be unkind. So here it is all at once.)

- At a recent banquet honoring former President Ronald Reagan, attendees respectfully finished their meals as the guest of honor was introduced to begin his speech. As President Reagan spoke, Dan Quayle, seated with other dignitaries, was the only person in the room who continued eating.

- The Republican National Committee paid for the printing of the Quayles' Christmas cards last year. The cards included a reproduction of the Quayles' handwritten holiday greeting which contained the phrase "beakon of hope." The word "beacon," of course, does not contain the letter "k." More than 30,000 cards were printed and mailed before the error was discovered.

- Following a tour of quake-ravaged San Francisco, the vice president said, "The loss of life will be irreplaceable."

- Officials of the United Negro College Fund may still be regretting their choice of keynote speaker for last fall's annual banquet. Vice President Quayle, in paraphrasing the fund's well-known maxim on intellect and education, said, "What a waste it is to lose one's mind or not to have a mind. How true that is."

- During an official state visit to American Samoa, the vice president said to the impoverished native peoples, "You all look like happy campers to me."

- Similarly, during a later trip to war-torn El Salvador, Vice President Dan Quayle had the opportunity to review the troops. As Mr. Quayle paused to inspect a weapon, the soldiers might have felt like dropping to the ground. They were no doubt relieved, however, when the vice president picked up a grenade launcher and promptly pointed it at himself.

- Recalling with pride this nation's history-making space exploits, the vice president recently talked to a group of Young Republican college students about the anniversary of "Neil Armstrong and Buz Lukens's walk on the moon." We assume Mr. Quayle was referring to Buzz Aldrin and not Buz Lukens, who is the Ohio congressional representative recently convicted of having sex with a 16-year-old girl. Mr. Lukens has never been to the moon (though it would have been a great alibi).

News Flash!

This just in ...

"It's a refreshing, low-calorie drink for discriminating tastes."
"No. It's a paint thinner."
Stop! You're both right...it's Perrier!

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.