HOW DO WE love someone with a mental illness? In a NAMI blog post titled “How To Love Someone With A Mental Illness,” the writer notes, “Choosing to love someone who acts or feels unlovable can be part of what helps them see they are valued as a whole person, they are not the sum total of their pain … Mental illnesses are illnesses, and sometimes they can change someone’s circumstances … they can even change their personalities for a time, change their interests, their spirit. But they are the same person you have always loved, and they need you to see that person in them—even when they can’t see themselves clearly” (emphasis mine).
After all, mental illness does not change the fact we are beloved children of God. Even though they are the same person you have always loved, it can be hard to recognize them. Looking through God’s eyes helps us to see past the label and the diagnosis.
A great example of “choosing to love” came to me through a story from my friend Monique. Over lunch, I asked Monique what I thought was a philosophical question about marriage and mental illness. The conversation turned personal very quickly, however.
Monique shared with me that her vision for her marriage is to flourish, knowing both she and her partner have mental illness. She said flourishing for their marriage happens when they are up front with each other about their mental health status, can state their needs, and can get the support they need.
I listened in awe as Monique described how her marriage has a wellness plan in place for any time one partner becomes sick. I knew about wellness plans for individuals, but to have one for a marriage was a new concept for me. She said the plan simply goes into effect when the need arises, with no pressure for the sick partner to “snap out of it.” The person is allowed to be sick. Given the permission to be sick, they can then work on getting healthier without shame, judgment, or stigma. The plan is brilliant and seems to be working well for their marriage.
During these times, the couple rely on therapists, close friends, and circles of additional support. They realize that it is unfair to expect each other to fulfill all of each other’s emotional needs. Monique and her partner figured out a way to remove the frustration, burden, and disappointment by taking this unrealistic expectation off the altar.
What if the church talked more about marriage wellness plans and how people can flourish in marriages with mental illness? This type of conversation about a mental health wellness plan needs to be part of every premarital counseling program. We can take steps now to help couples prepare for a future where they are likely to experience some form of mental illness, whether mild or severe in their marriage.
One thing is for sure: mental illness makes marriage more complex. As such, it has pushed me to think about alternative models for this unique relationship.
Reprinted with permission by Chalice Press.
Sarah Griffith Lund is the author of Blessed Union: Breaking the Silence about Mental Illness and Marriage.
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