A Captain of Industry, at Last

WE RECENTLY SPENT a couple hours with a salesman who was promoting the advantages of installing a passive solar system.

He had me at passive.

He also mentioned the federal incentives and tax breaks, but it was the promise of passivity that would have made me jump for joy, had I believed in that level of exertion.

Passive is right up my alley. I love anything that you can do from a seated position. My oven is self-cleaning, I wear no-iron shirts, my refrigerator defrosts itself, sometimes even while I’m in the same room, seated. Those unexpected dripping noises remind me it’s working hard even when I’m not, unless the day’s Wordle is frustratingly difficult.

Not to mention the satisfaction of having skilled workers around the house, role models in an honest day’s work by able-bodied — albeit excessively tattooed — men that are otherwise missing from my home.

THE SALESMAN explained the two options for procurement, one that costs thousands of dollars and one that is free.

“Tell me about that free thing,” I replied, cleverly.

However, it turns out our electric usage is so low that even if we chose the first option, which included solar panels, the money earned from excess energy production would end up paying for the system in a couple of years. (He also assured me that flushing the toilet uses no electricity. I had to ask.) So, we went with the first option and watched, with fingers crossed, as the smiling salesperson left with the signed contracts and drove away in his late-model luxury car.

One reason for our decision is that I am already a paragon of conservation. As an older man, my main energy output — other than rising from a chair — is turning off lights. I’ve always felt the natural state of a light switch is in the off position, a commitment only occasionally rebutted by yelps of complaint from persons occupying a room with insufficient presence.

Such complaints notwithstanding, my household will be sending excess electricity into the grid, enough kilowatts to power, by my calculations, the equivalent of 10 minifridges filled with beer by deserving college students. That might not sound like much, but it’s for the children.

AS A NEW energy producer, I’m reconsidering my liberal views that, in hindsight, were unfairly critical of the industry. I now sympathize with millionaire executives beleaguered by excessive taxes and burdensome regulations. And I hope to join them someday — hopefully on their yachts — as they strategize ways to convince a skeptical public that paying higher rates builds a stronger America, fights communism, and something about the troops.

I look forward to my newfound influence inside the energy community and should Congress meddle in the affairs of us patriotic producers, I may protest by going around the house turning on all the lights. This would withhold kilowatt thingies the grid needs to power critical infrastructure, such as that new air fryer nobody wanted for Christmas but got anyway. I just hope it doesn’t come to that.

Author’s note: You may remember that I wrote my “last column” when I retired three years ago. Some of you may have misconstrued that statement as me never writing another column. What I meant — for those not paying attention — was that column was my last column until I wrote another one. I hope this helps clear up any confusion on your part.