To Go Where None Have Gone Before. But Then, Who Wants To ...

To Go Where None Have Gone Before. But Then, Who Wants To...

The hottest new high-tech invention is called "virtual reality," a computer-generated environment that simulates a three-dimensional world almost indistinguishable from reality. Right now it's just a video game, but in the future, who knows?

Not to be outdone, H'rumphs is announcing the first use of "virtual humor." The way it works is that jokes told in virtual humor are like real jokes, but with a subtle, barely discernible difference. For example, can you tell which of these two punch lines was computer-generated?

Punch line A: "...to get to the other side of the road, a multilane vehicular pathway connecting various destinations; principally for the use of motorized conveyances."

Punch line B: "...I told you not to touch it."

If you thought "B" was the computer-generated punch line, you're right. Punch line "A" was told by my dorky friend Ernest, who can never just shut up for once.

The problem with virtual humor is that computer-generated jokes are vulnerable to the same viruses that plague other software applications. The following joke has been infected with a virus. Can you tell?

· A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves the drink and the bill, and remarks, "We don't get many gorillas in here." The gorilla looks at the bill and says, "And at these prices, (sneezes) I'm... (sneezes again) I'm not surprised."

"Got a cold?" queries the bartender. "No," says the gorilla, "just a virus."

Flee the Friendly Skies

Now that the summer travel season is here, many of you are probably several thousand feet up on board an airliner, enjoying this month's issue of Sojourners. So we decided to wait until the fall to begin our six-part investigative series: "The Skies Are Falling: Air Travel Hazards That Make You Think Twice About Even Going to the Airport, Much Less Actually Getting On One of Those Aging, Accident-Prone Airplanes."

No, we wouldn't want to needlessly concern passengers who, at this very moment, are extremely high above the ground putting their trust in pilots such as Captain Robert "party 'till dawn" Johnson, and First Officer Jerry "airsick" Thomas. (These two pilots come to mind only because of the memorable in-flight pranks they enjoy, like pointing out Iraqi surface-to-air missile installations below the airplane. "Yep, we're just about within range." Their actions definitely do not reflect the statistical norm, which shows that less than two-thirds of the pilots we interviewed actually take naps while flying.)

And some of you may be traveling on one of those super-cheap tickets, enjoying discounts made possible by the new "maintenance-free" policies of the airlines. In this bold new business concept, the major carriers have basically stopped paying for engine upkeep and repair. And they are passing the savings on to you, the lucky consumer.

So, if you're one of the few passengers to actually get to your destination this summer, we wish you "happy traveling" and don't worry about your luggage. You'll get it back when you come home.

'I'll Have A BLT, Please. But Hold the Tomato...'

Well, the handful of American scientists not working in the defense industry is making headlines again, this time in the field of biotechnology. They have just announced a new genetically altered tomato, the first vegetable to be naturally resistant to disease, frost damage, and trouble some federal regulations. Officials of the Food 'n Drug Administration simultaneously announced the approval of a new type of potato containing actual human genes. The human cells apparently better immunize the plants from certain field diseases. (Farmers, however, are predicting delays in getting the new product to market, since the first crop seems to have the flu.)

Although they by-passed the FDA's normally extensive testing process, both new products are completely safe for human consumption, government officials contend, because they survived the highly rigorous scrutiny of Vice President Dan Quayle's Competitiveness Council (motto: "If it's made in America, by golly it's safe to eat.")

The non-public Competitiveness Council, which meets in secret, has been accused of pressuring government agencies to suspend or shorten regulatory scrutiny in favor of expediting commerce. Companies, many of whom are major Republican campaign contributors, have been known to appeal to the council when release of their products is stalled by safety-conscious bureaucrats.

We're fairly certain, however, that the council had nothing to do with rushing to market possibly faulty engine parts for the airplane you're riding in now, because if it did, that would be pretty scary. I mean, look how high up you are.

Hey, did you hear that noise...?

Leadership Corner:

President George Bush, the environmental president, was a whirlwind of concern at the Rio de Janeiro conference last month. Not since the Persian Gulf war has an international leader spoken so courageously and passionately about the dangers to our world, and he called on all nations to join in a new war against global warming.

Wait a minute, that was Brazil's president. Sorry.

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.