How Would Jesus Vote?

WITH THE CRUCIAL midterm elections less than a fortnight past, many Americans are wondering what “fortnight” means, because it sounds really cool on Downton Abbey. Well, it means two weeks, and that’s hardly enough time to develop the regret appropriate to the choices you made at the polls.

But why wait for that inevitable sinking feeling about your latest destructive act against democracy? Let’s get a jump start on your anxiety by reading through a recent poll asking Americans how Jesus would weigh in on issues of the day.

Let the disappointment begin.

As a devout Christian—you can put down your American flag, we know who you are—you regularly ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?” And who better to advise you than Jesus himself, or the best representation of God’s son that modern technology can provide: the telephone survey.

You know, that thing that happens when you’ve just sat down to eat dinner after already getting up twice, once for the cracked pepper you forgot and again to replace the bent fork that you always seem to end up with. Then you finally start to say grace AND THE DARN PHONE RINGS!! (Jesus calls us to follow him. The survey guy calls us at dinner time.)

This particular survey was conducted by YouGov, one of those preposterous internet names that are slowly eroding the English language and corrupting the speech of our young people. Kids these days can’t seem to use regular words when communicating, much less registering emotion. Instead of expressing the tried and true “criminitly!” when frustrated, they default to “omg,” which I won’t translate. This is a religious magazine, after all, and using lower case letters when you take the Lord’s name in vain doesn’t let you off the hook. Another of their favorites is “wtf,” but that one’s okay since it means “why the frown.” Right? But I digress.

ACCORDING TO those who participated in the poll, Jesus would be reassuringly predictable on the issues of capital punishment and the environment. Respondents believed Jesus would be against the former and concerned about the latter. Fifty-five percent of respondents also stated that Jesus would support universal healthcare. So far so good.

But then came gun control. That’s when Jesus let me down.

Only 46 percent of Americans thought Jesus would support stricter gun laws, notwithstanding the Sixth Commandment. That’s the one that says “Thou shalt not kill,” which probably sounded more forceful in the original Greek, before the native tongue of King James made it sound equivalent to forbidding use of the wrong salad fork at dinner. (I always get the bent one.)

Those responding to the poll obviously missed the moral clarity spelled out in every version of the New Testament I’ve ever read. (Although I haven’t gotten that new NRAV—National Rifle Association Version—which contains helpful revisions. “Turn the other cheek,” for example, now refers to pressing the rifle stock to the other side of the face, if you’re left-handed.)

So it begs the question whether Jesus was sufficiently clear when he droned on about loving your neighbor as yourself. Maybe if it was called the Magnum Rule—instead of the Golden Rule—it might have packed more punch.

These same respondents were also unclear about Jesus’ teachings on wealth, since only 47 percent of people making over $100,000 think he would be for raising their taxes. These are the Americans who cling to the idea that although Jesus wore a simple robe, it probably had a high thread count.

No doubt these folks have been busy measuring their camels for the end of the fiscal year, and are adjusting their needles accordingly.

Turns out, the camels fit through just fine.