For Christmas, Let's Give Mitch McConnell a Heart

BECAUSE OF PRESIDENT Trump's order to increase tariffs on imports, Christmas shopping this year could be more frenzied than usual. That last shipment of Chinese-made items is selling fast at Walmart, so you’ve got to shove your shopping cart into the fray if you want to preserve our constitutional right to low prices. Not to complain about Trump’s attempts to bring manufacturing back to the U.S., of course. We look forward to our factory smokestacks once again belching the sweet soot of freedom, but it probably won’t be in time for Black Friday.

I got a jump on shopping this year by buying that new acupuncture cell phone app. Just released, it’s really [ow!] great, although you have to [ow!] hold it just right or [ow!] it doesn’t work. Okay there ... that pressure point ... No more neck pain. Unless I get a phone call [ow!]. “Hello?” [ow!]

We’re especially looking forward to the holidays this year, since getting to Christmas means we made it past Thanksgiving, when for the first time in history the president declined to pardon the White House turkey and, instead—at the urging of adviser Stephen Miller—cooked it and its entire family.

But let’s get in the spirit of the season by listing our Christmas wants and wishes for 2019:

• Google Me Elmo. (Not sure what it is, but we like the sound of it.)

• A book that explains the British parliamentary system. I thought I understood it (I know that “Brexit” is Russian for “stupid idea”), but they lost me when they talked about “prorogue.” If you say prorogue in Philadelphia, they ask what you want on it. (Philly tip: Never ask for “everything,” because it includes a melted, cheese-like substance—presumably petroleum-based—that can’t be swallowed without a large Dr. Pepper.)

• Free college degrees. In the last election, a major voting block against progressive candidates was Americans without a college degree. So why not give them one? Free college may be a bold plan, but a free degree is even better. It eliminates all that studying and test-taking, two major obstacles to an otherwise enjoyable college experience. A few thousand diplomas—strategically dropped from low-flying aircraft over Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Michigan—and suddenly the Electoral College is just a little-known school without a decent football team.

• A good razor for Jerry Falwell Jr. Great beard, but it’s totally out of control under the chin, like a Brillo pad that’s lost its scouring ability. Note to Jerry: If you want people to respect your leadership in the evangelical world, trim it up a little. And not being a complete hypocrite in your Christian faith wouldn’t hurt either. (Maybe I should have listed that first.)

• A heart for Mitch McConnell. Not looking for a miracle from the Great Wizard here, but that—and a brain for Donald Trump—would be really nice. (And how about a comb for Bernie Sanders?)

• A normal childhood for Stephen Miller. Just guessing, but I can’t imagine the mastermind of our brutal immigration policy ever had, you know, playmates. Miller is our Lost Boy, in need of a couple BFFs, a big hug, and a change of scenery from the unending demands of Washington, D.C. (So many innocents, so little time.) How about some volunteer work on the Southern border? I hear social services could use the help.