Now More Than Ever

DECEMBER IS A stressful time for fundraisers, as a significant percentage of most nonprofits’ annual revenue comes in during the holiday season. We made a mistake this month when we asked Beth, who does much of Sojourners’ online fundraising, to write a humor column for this issue. Instead of a humor column, she sent us the following, in an envelope with a return address of “a cave in the woods; do not look for me.” We hope she’s doing okay. — The Editors

Dear Potential Supporter,

Now more than ever. This holiday season. In this moment, this urgent time, the most crucial of moments that all of us are in, right now. (Yes, you too.) Now — today — more than ever — Sojourners needs your year-end donation.

Did you know that the average American hears the phrase “now more than ever” 500 times a day? Did you know that all other organizations who use the phrase “now more than ever” are copying us, and we used it first? (Did you know that I, a fundraising professional hiding inside a cave, am both deeply normal and a trustworthy source of information?)

Exaggeration-free truth-telling like this is why Sojourners is such a well-respected and award-winning publication, and it is the secret to our successful advocacy in our nation’s capital. This is actually, for real, without exaggerating, our biggest deadline yet. We need exactly 473 donors in exactly 12 days to chip in exactly $7 to meet this moment in this urgent time. I would tell you how these calculations were made, but I swore a Fundraiser Oath to never reveal our industry secrets. Also, I’m hiding in a cave, so even if I wanted to, I couldn’t retrieve the top-secret Eldritch Formula — oh, whoops. Pretend you didn’t read that.

Anyway! Give today. (You saw nothing!)

Your gift of exactly $7, which will be [censored] QUADRUPLED thanks to the swear jar in my office, will support:

• Our award-winning print and online publications, which include somewhat less award-winning content written by yours truly, and our advocacy on Capitol Hill.
• Shipping costs. You think sending columns from dark and isolated caves in [location redacted] to my editors is cheap?
• (Shh, I’m hiding this in the middle of the list so my editors don’t notice, but: I’ve been using the Eldritch Formula for too long and am hiding in this cave until it forgets about me and claims its next fundraiser victim. No, I haven’t lost it due to the crushing stress of year-end appeal season — I’m completely fine. More than ever?)
• Several hundred more swear jars (they’ve become our most lucrative source of income, especially in the fundraising department, for some reason).

It is dark and cold in this cave, but your commitment to Sojourners warms my heart this holiday season. Now more than ever, it brings me strength. In this moment. Right now. Today. This holiday season. Please. Oh God. Please. Give today.

With gratitude and prayers for your holiday season, and for the sanity of fundraisers everywhere,

Beth