This article appears in the February 2018 issue of Sojourners. To subscribe, click here .
Jerry Falwell Jr.: Jesus Christ!
Jesus: I’m going to assume that’s not an expletive.
Falwell: No, that would be Jesus H. Christ, which I would never use.
Jesus: Good. He’s a cousin on my mother’s side, and I’m still ticked at my aunt for that.
Falwell: But you’re HERE! In my own house! It’s the Rapture, the Second Coming! And you’re taking me home to my reward! PRAISE THE LORD! Just let me throw a few things in a suitcase and we’ll ...
Jesus: Relax, and put down your shaving kit. This is not the Second Coming. It’s more like a check-in.
Falwell: It’s not the end times?
Jesus: No [looking at his watch], not even close.
Falwell: But it’s so gratifying you’ve chosen to reveal yourself to me! It confirms that my good works have been recognized and recorded in the Lamb’s Book of Life, where the names of all the righteous are ...
Jesus: Actually, we use Excel now, and if your name is in there, it’s with an asterisk, Mr. Falwell.
Falwell: An asterisk for “extra special,” I hope, since I have a personal relationship with you, and I’ve been saved and baptized with full-body immersion, not with sprinkles. (Although I do like them on ice cream. Also gummy bears.) And you can call me Jerry.
Jesus: Calm down, “Jerry.” I’m not here to talk about your salvation, just to set you straight.
Falwell: I assure you I’m totally straight, Lord, just as God intended at the creation. God made man and then took a rib to make a wife of the opposite sex and a completely different gender, and then they got married like normal people who ...
Jesus: Please stop talking.
Falwell:
Jesus: I want to discuss this gun fetish of yours, Mr. Falwell. Did you in fact say the following: “If more good people had concealed-carry permits, then we could end those Muslims before they walked in and killed them.”
Falwell: ... uhm ... How did you know about that? Oh right, “His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.”
Jesus: Actually, I Googled it. But setting aside your horrible sentence structure—you’d need a backhoe to dig out that modifier—I admit I don’t expect much from a man continuing his father’s conservative orthodoxy posing as biblical principle. You people in the Bible Belt keep asking, “What would Jesus do?” despite the fact I made that pretty clear a couple thousand years ago: Serve the poor, love your neighbor, welcome the stranger ...
Falwell: Whoa! You sound like that Rachel Maddow gal.
Jesus: Although I get to the point much faster than she does. ( Just say it’s the Russians, already!) But my point here is that your false piety has become excruciating. You claim to live by your faith, but you give only lip service to its basic tenets. You wouldn’t turn the other cheek unless it was to take better aim. You care more about guns than about the poor or needy.
Falwell: Well, if the poor and needy would just ...
Jesus: If you say “bootstraps,” I swear I’ll turn you into a pig. I’m totally not kidding.
Falwell:
Jesus: Look, if you must be cloying and sanctimonious, don’t drag my name into it. God wants no part of your big mouth or narrow mind. And just because the media considers you a “Christian leader,” do NOT think it’s some kind of divine reward.
Falwell: Of course not. My real reward won’t come until I reach those pearly gates, where the streets are made of gold, and ...
Jesus: Just stop. Heaven is not a gated community, and golden streets get slippery when it rains. Which is why we had them replaced with ... that’s not important. This is: Remember what I said in the gospel of Matthew.
Falwell: You mean, “Cut him in pieces and put him with the hypocrites, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth”? Now that’s tough love.
Jesus: No. I mean the Beatitudes.
Falwell: ... the Whatitudes?
Jesus: Just look it up. And stop thinking the Second Amendment is one of the Ten Commandments.
Falwell: It’s not?
Jesus: Start making pig noises, Mr. Falwell. It will ease the transition.
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