Is Noriega Comfortable?

As our nation appears irrevocably committed to war, and as our economy sinks into its worst state since the Depression, I know all of us are thinking just one thing ...

Is Noriega Comfortable?

As a matter of fact, he is. The much-maligned former significant other of the CIA is waiting for justice in a three-room condo (excuse me, I mean prison cell), with a color television, VCR, two phones, a personal computer, a fax machine, and a paper shredder. He orders out for the foods of his choice, enjoys two newspapers each day, and is attended regularly by on-call physicians, lawyers, and a hair stylist.

One pictures the former dictator/drug lord in his own barber chair, angrily waving off a pizza delivery man ("I said I wanted DOUBLE MEAT!") as a nearby federal agent takes the pins out of the day's dry cleaning.

And the only real news to come out of his trial was the court censuring of CNN's wiretap tapes of Noriega with his lawyers. Well, we have our own tapes ...

Attorney: "Now, we've got to settle on the proper defense for ..."

Noriega: "WHERE'S MY REMOTE CONTROL?!"

Attorney: "If we can just focus for a moment on the prosecution's ..."

Noriega: "NOT NOW, IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR JEOPARDY. SAY, HAS ANYBODY SEEN THE COLOR SWATCHES FROM THE CARPET PLACE? WE'VE GOT TO GET MY ORDER IN BY THIS WEEKEND!"

Attorney: "They're over there, under the recliner. Now if we could try and ..."

Noriega: "FINE, NO PROBLEM. OH GOOD, IT'S THE GUY FROM THE DELI. COME ON IN. JUST PUT IT DOWN ON THE COUNTER. WATCH THE VASE! SAY, I WANTED PROVOLONE, NOT MOZZARELLA ... AND IS THIS VEAL FRESH?"

Attorney: (sigh) "The judge in this case has already stated that ... uh ... that he ... uh ... might I have one of those croissants?"

Noriega: "SURE. YOU WANT SOY SAUCE?"

And Now The News...

Californians are enthusiastically receiving the news of Sonny Bono's candidacy for the U.S. Senate. "I guess I'm just an impossible dream kind of guy," said Bono, who is running for the seat vacated by Alan Cranston. (Cranston, whose recently diagnosed illness made it impossible for him to devote much time to those bothersome S&L bribery hearings, said that his doctor recommended bed rest, frequent check-ups, and stoic denials of wrongdoing.)

If elected, Bono would join the prestigious ranks of two other entertainer/congressmen: the Love Boat's Fred Grandy and Jesse Helms, of America's Funniest Home Videos.

Kudos to evangelist Larry "Have-I-showed-you-my-Rolex" Lea, whose highly publicized Halloween exorcism of San Francisco has left that grateful city a model of born-again faith. Larry and his entourage purged the city of "the devil, the spirit of perversion, New Age thinking, and greed."

Lea's critics have labeled Larry as just another homophobic, media-chasing, right-wing white preacher, but we disagree.

He's not white.

He's deeply tanned.

Personnel at an Indiana security firm took immediate action when one of their television monitors showed a robbery in progress at a local bank. Police were duly summoned and quickly arrived on the scene, to the considerable surprise of bank employees who were going about their normal business. No robbery.

Fearing they had dispatched police to the wrong bank, the crack security team frantically scanned their other bank monitors. The robbery was still in progress, right there on their TV screens ... but only until the commercial came on.

Embarrassed security spokespersons later apologized for the mistake and admitted that one of their guards had tired of watching innumerable bank transactions and had tuned in an afternoon movie.

We share the outrage of celebrity companion Marla Maples who claims that Vanity Fair magazine reneged on a promise to put her on the cover. After a lengthy interview with Ms. Maples (in which the complexity and depth of Donald Trump's devoted friend must surely have emerged), Vanity Fair editors abruptly changed their plans, cut the interview to less than half the promised space, and then, can you believe this, actually PUT CHER ON THE COVER INSTEAD!

Editor Tina Brown retorted that Ms. Maples "wasn't promised anything. And besides, in light of the Gulf crisis, we thought a brunette was more appropriate."

As art director of Sojourners, I must admit that I have never factored in hair color to our cover decisions. I apologize for this lack of journalistic professionalism and pledge a new attention to detail in our own coverage of the Middle East crisis.

You know, I think Hussein uses a rinse.

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.