The First 100 Days . . .

Let the record show that Sojourners magazine is sensitive to the concerns of our readers, a vast minority of whom took issue with some of the recent (and, we might add, delightful) comic stylings of "H'rumphs." Until further notice, these columns will be tested on laboratory animals prior to publication.

This particular column was read aloud to a control population of 27 white mice, who were then divided into small groups for discussion and reflection. No significant side effects were recorded, though one mouse did experience temporary loss of appetite and a slight facial twitch. Following segregation from the group, however, the subject improved quickly and returned to his normal routine of tearing pieces of paper into even smaller pieces of paper and taking care of bodily functions that we won't go into here, since we don't want to offend anybody.

- The Editors

[Hah! "The Editors." Who is he kidding? Like we took time off from our busy schedules to sit down and actually read this stuff. Not!

- The Editors

The First 100 Days...

Like most responsible journalists working in our capital city, the editors of Sojourners want to give President Bill Clinton a decent interval without critical second-guessing or unrealistic expectations. In a time when not much is coming out of the new White House, the press is all-too-tempted to go after superficial issues or take cheap shots at unimportant matters, such as how Bill Clinton is looking more and more like an Egg McMuffin.

Less responsible publications would probably comment on how funny he looks jogging in black socks. But not us. Once again, Sojourners will take the high road and not even mention that his first official act as president was to set up a hotline to Hardee's.

And Now the News...

An inquisitive German doctor wanted to observe the changes in endomorphin levels of people experiencing various stages of stress. So last month he used a device that simultaneously draws and tests blood samples from subjects while they were bungee jumping. That's right. While they were bungee jumping!

The doctor discovered that subtle chemical changes occur in the bloodstream of a person falling 400 feet straight down.

This does not surprise us.

We, too, would expect some "subtle changes" in a person plunging toward the ground at more than 100 miles per hour. Other expected "changes" we would add to the list are:

• massive cardiac arrest,
• spontaneous bladder malfunction,
• a deep feeling of stupidity,
• a squeamishness toward blood tests quickly replaced by a fear of making splat on a parking lot,
• accelerated hair loss,
• static cling,
• re-experiencing lunch (the ill-advised chicken burrito special, a.k.a. "Deja vu all over your shirt"),
• accumulation of various insects in the mouth,
• the loss of at least one contact lens,
• an immediate and overwhelming desire for God's forgiveness, and
• an intense loathing of friends gathered below to watch.

We appreciate the good doctor's commitment to scientific inquiry and take issue with those who dismiss his project as medically worthless and possibly demented and sadistic. We look forward to his next study, in which he probes the age-old medical mystery: "Does the heart beat faster when the subject is, say, dropped into a vat of hungry rats?...Really big rats....Maybe some snakes, too. Yeah. Lots of snakes...."

Ed Spivey is art director of Sojourners.