The Jokers Are On Us

IT’S THE START of the 2016 election year, and I know what you’re thinking: “No it’s not. It’s the middle of December, and I haven’t done any of my Christmas shopping!” Understood. But this is our January issue, and in our minds the ball has already dropped in Time Square, Ryan Seacrest’s New Year’s Eve was, once again, not rockin’, and we’ve got serious political work to do.

Although at Sojourners we have to be very careful. In the coming year, we can speak prophetic truth about the issues facing our world but can’t direct that same righteous fire at a candidate, because we’re a certain kind of nonprofit, a 501C-3PO, I think. Nonprofits follow rigid federal rules against partisanship, and most of them don’t make a profit. That part we’re really good at. We never have any money left over. (Although once we bought a ham for our Christmas party. I had three slices. Sometimes it’s okay to have a profit, as long as you eat it.)

Nonprofits are nothing like the political action committees that will be spending billions of dollars in the next election. PACs can raise unlimited money in support of any candidate, but they can’t coordinate with them. Which is why PACs have names such as “We Love Jeb Bush, Just Don’t Tell Him That” and “Supporting Ted Cruz, But We Want It to Be a Surprise.” It protects them from any appearance of collusion, which is unlawful and closely monitored by the Federal Election Commission, which would respond harshly by winking.

Unlike a PAC, Sojourners doesn’t have unlimited anything (there were no seconds on the ham), except our unlimited love for justice, the Risen Savior, and this one sweater I have my eye on for Christmas. (Come on, J.C. Penney gift card!) But we do have a lot of curiosity about the people wanting to be president, the second most powerful person in the country after Jeff Bezos, who invented Amazon because he dreams of a world where the only human contact is with UPS drivers.

THERE AREN’T MANY candidates on the Democratic side—I can count them on one hand (because it’s much closer than my foot)—but it’s still an interesting group. You’ve got a former first lady, a former senator, and a former secretary of state. (What? That’s one person!?) Then there’s an older gentleman who sounds like he’s angry because the bathroom is out of toilet paper. (I hate that.) And there may be another guy, who’s recognizable by his fingertips, which are red and raw from barely hanging on.

Then there are the Republicans, at least the ones not eliminated through attrition, which is a Latin word meaning “failing to get the attention of billionaire casino magnate Sheldon Adelson.”

Currently the Republican front-runners are this guy who owns his own jet, “Billion Air (Get It?),” and a retired neurosurgeon who, judging by many of his public statements, has been operating on his own brain to stay in practice. There’s also something called a “huckabee,” which I may have coughed up once, and a man whose name gives me deja vu, but with an exclamation point. And a bunch of others who, in alphabetical order, are not listed here.

Because of our 501(c)(3) status, we can’t publicly call out these individuals with the clarion voice of biblical justice. But we can ask the questions Americans are most curious about:

• Has Donald Trump ever vacuumed? And if he did so, did the bag ever get full before he was through? (I hate that.) I’m picturing Mr. Trump cursing, then kneeling down to change bags in his living room, which you should never do because it releases old dust into the air again. And then his wife would yell at him from the kitchen, where she was emptying the dishwasher while holding a crying toddler. (Negotiating the challenges of marriage isn’t easy.)

• When was the last time Hillary Clinton made a sandwich? I just can’t picture it. On the other hand, I can easily imagine Bernie Sanders in his kitchen making a cheese sandwich with lettuce and fresh Vidalia onion. Yummy. But then he’d add ketchup and lose the independent vote.

QUESTIONS ASIDE, let’s just appreciate the beauty of the democratic process, which this year will feature a ballot delivered to you with every purchase from Amazon. One order, one vote. The time has come.