"What Do We Want?"
To many of us, the National Rifle Association is the epitome of institutional evil, the grinning, stone-hearted protector of your right to die in a flash of blue flame and gunpowder.
On the other hand, they have a nice building, which dozens of us visit every Thursday when we join a Washington coalition against handgun violence and stand around during lunch hour holding signs, waving at cars, and generally making a nuisance of ourselves. That's what demonstrators do. But unlike protests of the past, we feel supported by passersby, since everyone is against the NRA (except for the couple million people who support them, none of whom I know personally, even though I defend their right to continue to make a REALLY BIG MISTAKE!). In fact, almost every car that passes in front of us honks in solidarity, except for the one guy who yelled an obscenity. Of course, he didn't factor in his speed or the Doppler effect, so all we heard was "YOU PEOPLE MAKE MEEEEEeeeeeeeaaaaauuuuuuuuuu...."
These protests are always edifying, but on a hot afternoon it can get a little tedious. This day a well-meaning woman was shouting through a megaphone, "WHAT DO WE WANT?!" [gun control] "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!" [correct answer: "Now."]
After a while, some of us started quietly suggesting other answers, just to break the monotony:
"WHAT DO WE WANT?!" [low-cholesterol eggs] "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!" [As soon as science allows.]
"WHAT DO WE WANT?!" [a warm, caring relationship characterized by mutual respect] "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!" [Well, I've waited this long. What's another 10 years?]
"WHAT DO WE WANT?!" [One of those umbrella-hat thingies and a bottle of #70 sunscreen] "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!" [Now...and whose idea was it to protest at high noon anyway?!]
"WHAT DO WE WANT?!" [For Ed McMahon to call me and say "You've just won 10 MILLION DOLLARS!"] "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!" [NOW!]
"WHAT DO WE WANT?!" [A Gandhi troll for my kids.] "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!" [By Christmas.]
Low Fat Leviticus
America is on a health kick. We're anti-cigarette, anti-fat, anti-sugar. It's a wonderful new trend that I hope to join as soon as I finish this donut.
Even religious publishers are getting on board. One firm has just published what they're calling a "health conscious" translation of the Old Testament. Based on the recently unearthed "Dead Sea Diets," this new version of scripture includes many low-fat revisions, including:
· Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt substitute.
· Israelites fleeing Egypt were sustained in the desert by eating "pasta from heaven."
· Priests are anointed with a light vinaigrette.
· Samson slays 10,000 with the jawbone of a free-range turkey.
· On the fourth day, God created vegetables, and saw that it was good.
· David may have knocked down Goliath, but the giant actually died of a massive coronary induced by poor diet and lack of exercise.
· Joseph wore a coat of many colors, one for each of the basic food groups.
· After the dove returned to the Ark with an olive branch, Noah sent it back for some romaine lettuce, a green pepper, and a few croutons.
(I have to stop this list now. Someone is coming and I don't want to get caught making up this stuff...)
This Just In...
Overheard recently in the Sojourners office: "No, my sink is NOT stopped up. I'm...I'm just using it for storage."
Study Questions
What is a "scientific community"? Is it where scientists get together for small group on Thursday nights? Do they all live in the same place and share meals and chores? Does everybody have their own subscription to Sojourners, or are they real cheap and get just one for the whole house? Discuss.
Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.
Got something to say about what you're reading? We value your feedback!