FOLLOWING IS a conversation between an aging, award-winning humor columnist and a young man who, in his short life, probably only earned an award for Most Tattoos On One Arm.
Me: Excuse me. What’s that metal thing in your mouth?
He: It’s an electronic cigarette.
Me: Dude, you can’t smoke in here. Even if we’re the only ones in this hotel bar, and although it harkens back to simpler times, a time when men were men, and ...
He: There’s no smoke, just steam. It’s a noncombustible cigarette.
Me: Cool phrase that, “noncombustible cigarette.” Yours?
He: Nah. I heard it on a commercial. Some people call it an e-cigarette.
Me: Is that like e-mail? Or E. coli?
He: No. E. coli is bacteria that are dangerous to your health, possibly fatal.
Me: Nothing in common with smoking, then.
He: Right. It’s the latest thing, and it’s helping me quit combustible cigarettes.
Me: That reminds me. Did you know that after the helicopter was invented, people had to start calling airplanes “fixed-wing aircraft.” This little upstart invention changed the whole vernacular of the aviation industry. That makes me SO mad! Friggin’ helicopters!
He:
Me: So, back to this cigarette. What’s the point?
He: It delivers nicotine without second-hand smoke.
Me: Confining horrible medical consequences to the user, and protecting innocent bystanders.
He: Exactly. Plus, we can do it anywhere we want, like here, for instance.
Me: As opposed to huddled in small groups outside doorways in the dead of winter.
He: Actually, I kinda miss that. We were cold, but we were happy.
Me: But aren’t e-cigarettes just another reprehensible attempt by the tobacco industry to get young people addicted to their products? Did you know that two-thirds of new smokers start with e-cigarettes?
He: You just googled that, didn’t you?
Me: Did not. Okay, maybe.
He: Hey, I don’t defend it. I just use it because it contains slightly less nicotine, and it’s better than the patch.
Me: Yeah, I guess if you meet somebody nice at a party, you can’t very well pull out a box of nicotine patches, look her in the eye suggestively, and ask, “Patch?”
He: Nope. Plus, nobody ever bums an e-cigarette. I’ve just got the one.
Me: But don’t you miss the rituals of smoking? The comforting physicality of unwrapping a crisp new pack, tamping it on the back of your wrist, then pulling out that first cigarette?
He: ... a little bit.
Me: And didn’t you love the way a new pack filled out your shirt pocket? But then, when it dwindled to your last couple of cigarettes and shrank in size, didn’t you feel less of a man?
He: Well, sometimes, but the e-cigarette ...
Me: And don’t you miss how you’d breathe in that first puff, how it would expand your lungs with a deep satisfaction that plain oxygen could never give? Don’t you miss that?
He: ... mouth’s feeling kinda dry ...
Me: And I bet you miss how you’d tilt your head, squint one eye, and blow smoke out the corner of your mouth and away from a table mate. It was the courteous thing to do, plus it looked really cool.
He: Okay, I’m starting to get the shakes here ...
Me: But it’s okay. Because you’ve got your little robot thingie to suck on, that cold, metal cylinder that looks like somebody tried to make an animal thermometer but got distracted. And ... hey, where are you going in such a hurry?
He: Must. Find. 7-Eleven.
Me: Oops.
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