The Collective Bargaining Agreement on Noah's Ark

LEST YOU THINK labor organizing started with the most recent Amazon or Starbucks unionization, let’s look at this ancient document found submerged near the island of Patmos. The document appears to be from another group of mammals negotiating what is believed to be the first collective bargaining agreement.

Letter of Demands
From: The International Animals Union
To: Noah
Subject: Excessive Rainfall

Whereas the earth has become corrupt and filled with violence and
Whereas God has decided to destroy all living creatures and
Whereas Noah is required to build an ark and bring a pair of every kind of animal on the ark, therefore

Noah and the International Animals Union agree that the previous agreement has been terminated and replaced by the following agreement beginning on the 17th day of the second month and ending after 40 days and 40 nights, unless it rains the whole time.

I. Breaks
All animals shall be given 15-minute breaks for naps, whenever they feel like it. (We’re assuming any human over 600 years old on the ark will likewise be taking multiple naps per day.) Breaks can be used for whatever animals want, including but not limited to gathering around the water trough to talk about the change in rain patterns for the day.

II. Schedule Assignments
All animals shall be given their work assignments a week in advance via pigeon post delivered on papyrus. On holidays, work assignments shall be delivered on parchment. Ravens and doves are available for special work at the end of the cruise.

III. 40-Hour Work Week
All animals shall be offered a minimum of 40 hours to work a week, with the exception of sloths, who will be working whenever they feel like it and paid on commission.

IV. Food Waste
At the end of each day, any food not eaten may be taken by animals working in the cafeteria and preserved by dumping lots of salt on it, enough so it will last, say, 150 days. Because, who knows?

V. Dress Code
No restrictions shall be placed on what the animals choose to wear; we don’t care what PETA says, we’re happy wearing fur. However, all animals shall be limited to one carry-on item and one personal item to store in their den.

VI. Personal Protective Equipment
All animals shall receive appropriately sized masks in the event of illness on board the ark. Birds will be ready on standby to assist any animal having to put on a mask more than four cubits long.

VII. Cost-of-Living Adjustment
Although housing demand is predicted to dramatically fall in case of flooding, it is expected to rise again once the process of repopulating the Earth begins. As such, there will be a cost-of-living adjustment of 5.5 percent for the upcoming calendar year.

VIII. Ventilation Systems Inspection
Ventilation systems on the ark will be routinely inspected to ensure effective air filtration. This will primarily occur through the opening of windows. Note: Please ensure double ventilation in the section of the ark containing the two skunks. Because ... well, you know.