A Gift (and Survival) Guide for Jesus Feminists

THERE'S NEVER A bad time to show a woman you value that she’s a woman of valor. But there are bad gifts. Just because your favorite Jesus feminist loves Mary Oliver, for instance, doesn’t mean you should gift her a wild goose — no matter how harsh and exciting the goose may be. Also, do not arrange a telegram delivered to her by a man dressed in a gazelle outfit reading the Song of Songs; her parents might be over for Sunday dinner! And I can’t emphasize this enough: Do not gift her an animatronic infant in a basket floating down a river. I learned that one the hard way.

But don’t worry, there are plenty of other options:

• Perfume. This isn’t for her — it’s for her to use when she washes the feet of strangers, a common hobby of Jesus feminists.
   
• Jewelry may seem like a safe, conventional gift for a woman, but it’s possible the Jesus feminist in your life carries some baggage around jewelry. So, get creative! Ask her former youth group friends — who are also disillusioned and deconstructing their evangelical upbringing — if you can upcycle their purity rings. Then grab a blowtorch and crucible (welding tools are also great gifts for Jesus feminists, but she probably already has a complete set) and melt those suckers down into a cute little garden shovel. Swords aren’t the only problematic metals that can be melted into plowshares!
   
• A lily, pressed and preserved between the pages of a used copy of Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower. This gift is a triple slam dunk: Jesus feminists love considering lilies, they love the smell of old books, and they love dystopian novels with spiritual undertones.
   
• A paisley bandana. Not so she can cover herself in church! This bandana won’t promote modesty, but it will fight climate change. The next time she goes to destroy a pipeline, the bandana — which should have an understated edginess to it — will help protect her mouth and nose from any dangerous fumes.
   
• A gift card to her local tattoo parlor. Thanks to her divinity school curriculum, she knows how to write basic New Testament Greek. Now it’s time to get “agape” or “koinonia” tatted on her forearm.
   
• Speaking of seminary, pay off her student debt! This isn’t just generous, it’s biblical.
   
• If you don’t have those kinds of funds, there are cheaper alternatives. Like, a sandalwood soy candle. Trust me, she’ll burn through it faster than a desert bush atop Mount Horeb.
   
• Lastly, the gift to make a Jesus feminist happy and a sexist Christian sad is leggings! The host of a podcast on “biblical masculinity” recently tweeted that the only two “acceptable occasions to wear yoga pants” are while “alone in your house w/ your husband” and when “working out alone in your private gym while your husband watches you.” We’ll all be watching the Jesus feminist in your life as she dismantles Christian patriarchy while wearing the yoga pants you gifted her — and cheering her on!