Funny Business

And the Winner Is...

Our "Golden H'rumph Award" this month goes to the Environmental Procrastination Agency (motto: WHY BAN A TOXIC CHEMICAL TODAY WHEN YOU CAN BAN IT TOMORROW?), whose inaction over the years has resulted in an extraordinary number of unsafe foods. This prestigious award--a bronzed statuette of a man doubled over with a hacking cough--is presented to the EPA for its work in consumer advocacy on behalf of shoppers who must now browse through the fruit and vegetable aisles with a grocery list in one hand and a Geiger counter or litmus papers in the other. The effects have been audible, as consumers can be heard muttering, "No, can't buy that," "Nope, can't eat that," "Unh-uh, can't serve that to the kids," etc.

We always wondered how they made those imitation grapes that used to sit on Grandma's table year after year, and now we know. You just buy some real ones, put them on a plate, and then wait.

Oh well. After all these years of thinking I was eating for health, it looks like, in my old age, my mind singed with toxicity, I'm going to be muttering "I'm-a-wanna-Pop-Tart" after all.

"I Take A Size 8½ by 11"

Fawn Hall, the secretary who brought together high fashion and mindless loyalty, was in the news again recently. The former assistant to indicted White House crusader Oliver North took the stand during North's trial and recounted smuggling classified documents out of the Old Executive Office Building in her clothing. Using mainly her boots and once even the back of her blouse, Hall said she became uncomfortable with such acts (and who wouldn't, what with all that itching and chafing!), but followed her boss' insistence that, in the interest of national security, such subterfuge was necessary.

We're glad that Hall is finally out of the clandestine fray and off to her new job in Hollywood working for a talent agency. We just hope that her future choices of leading men don't result in our movie stars being short-haired white guys with irregular gaps between their teeth.

North, meanwhile, is still stuck in Washington, D.C., standing trial and learning every day that, in adhering to the dress code of the courts, heroes are not quite as convincing in business suits.

Hey, Who Cares? The Book Still Looks Good on the Coffee Table

"Tests have revealed that many Americans are amazingly ignorant of the geography of their nation." So began a chapter in the new, must-have desk reference The Dictionary of Cultural Literacy: What Every American Needs to Know, which later went on to refer to Jacksonville as the capital of Florida. The capital of Florida, of course, is Tallahassee, but the authors of the book should be forgiven, what with all this rampant ignorance of geography we've been hearing about.

And Speaking of Corrections

Some have said that typographic errors are windows into a publication's soul. They're wrong, of course, but nonetheless what were we thinking when in preparing a book manuscript, we overlooked the following?

Stated Allan Boesak, "Every time another incident of oppression occurs in South Africa, more wimpathy is created in the U.S.A."
or
"Jesus, as we all now realize, aligned himself with the poop of the world."

Our apologies to human rights advocates and biblical scholars everywhere.

And Now the News...

Police arrested local radio disc jockey Brian Paul Lubanski last year and charged him with stealing 90 copies of the Billings (Wyo.) Gazette so he could vote for himself in the paper's "favorite radio personality" contest. We hope Lubanski has learned from his mistake and can carry on with his life. After all, he can always model himself after others who have faced similar adversity and succeeded, like, say, the late Mayor Richard Daley.

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.