Funny Business

Macho President, Take Two

Energized and confident from his successful invasion of Panama, President George Bush recently turned his formidable powers of intimidation toward another foe ... vegetables. "I'm President of the United States, and I'm not going to eat broccoli," he said, ordering that the food never again be brought aboard Air Force One or served on his plate at the White House.

Now we know this story is a little old, but a monthly magazine can't afford to miss the high points of the news. Besides, at press time President Bush was just saying no to drugs and broccoli. By the time you read this, who knows what may have been added to the list of presidential vetoes (Spinach? Asparagus? Military cutbacks? An overdue national child care support plan that the House has already passed?).

Whatever happens, we're confident that the nation's school children are paying a lot more attention to the president's moral leadership.

PARENT: "Billy, eat your vegetables."
CHILD: "But, Mom ... the president."
PARENT, in a hushed and respectful whisper: "You're right, dear ... I almost forgot. Go on out and play."

Oops

Last month a California State Police officer pulled over a motorist on a busy turnpike. As the trooper got out and approached the car, the driver burst from his vehicle shouting obscenities. He then proceeded to rip out a device from his dashboard, throw it on the ground, and begin stomping on it repeatedly, scattering pieces across the road.

"I can't believe it," the driver screamed angrily. "I paid almost $500 for this state-of-the art radar detector, and it DIDN'T WORK!"

The police officer then informed the irate driver that he had not been stopped for speeding. He was pulled over because his front license plate was missing.

And You Wonder Why They're Global Economic Giants

A Japanese inventor has come up with another sure-fire product. International patents were recently requested for the world's first eight-day underwear. The garment has three leg holes, and each morning the wearer rotates the underpants 120 degrees, thereby prolonging wearability and time between washings.

Go ahead and laugh, but it all goes back to them losing the war. While we've spent billions on their defense, they've been quietly putting their resources into extended-wear undergarment research, an industry that we shortsighted Americans have long ignored.

(Put on the defensive once again, Lee Iaccoca was heard complaining that his engineers had come up with the idea years ago, but somehow were not able to perfect it. Seems it was always stalling at intersections ...)

Put It in a Brown Paper Bag, Please

Two months ago Vice-President Dan Quayle went to South America and bought an obscene doll and brought it back to ... (EDITORS' NOTE: We apologize for this apparent lapse in judgment. As you may recall, last month our "H'rumphs" editor promised not to comment on our vice president for the rest of his distinguished term in the White House. We tried to tell him how hard it would be to keep such a promise, but he just chuckled in that cloying way we all detest and mumbled something about "It can't get any worse ..."

He stands corrected.)

And Also With You ... But Not So Close

Parish members who dread the weekly embrace during the passing of the peace will be heartened to hear that hugging has been strongly criticized in the "Dear Abby" syndicated column. Responding to an "English-born clergyman who is presently living in California," Abby agreed that the Sunday morning expression of "false intimacy" is indeed quite inappropriate to good behavior.

We have long been aware of the awkwardness frequently experienced during the sharing of the peace. It is a special time of spiritual communion between Christians that can sometimes be marred by unease or embarrassment. The inability to freely show a sign of God's peace is a problem not to be dismissed, or to be made fun of.

As we here at Sojourners discussed this important concern, one question kept coming up: "Why did that English guy move to California?"

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.