IF YOU’RE TRAVELING by air to Washington, D.C., this winter, be sure to look out your window. You don’t want to miss the lovely patchwork of monuments that covers the city, or the scenic curves of the Potomac River, or the giant dolphin-shaped balloons within arms-reach of your seat in coach. But don’t try to pet them. Setting aside the problem of rapid decompression if you open a window, the balloons are property of the U.S. Army, and they don’t like people touching their stuff.
The balloons—I call them balloons, although they’re actually reconnaissance blimps designed to warn against hostile missiles—float about 10,000 feet above the ground, tethered by inch-wide cables, presumably not held on the other end by children at, say, the zoo. Each blimp looks like a huge white dolphin with an unfortunate—and apparently undiagnosed—abdominal growth protruding from its belly. Clearly, it’s something a qualified medical professional should look at. Of course, if it’s just a navel, there’s no problem. But it’s definitely an outie.
There are two of these blimps, each 243 feet long and weighing, well, nothing, because they’re filled with helium, the gas that would have been used in the Hindenburg had the construction crews been smokers. (Smokers may not be smart, but they’re fast learners.) The blimps float above the Aberdeen Proving Grounds, just outside D.C., in some of the busiest airspace on the East Coast, and trail about two miles of cable connected to the ground. What could possibly go wrong?
THE DEVICES are called—and this is why there are no stutterers in the military—the Joint Land Attack Cruise Missile Defense Elevated Netted Sensor System (JLENS, if you want to tweet it). They’re made by Raytheon, another selfless member of the military-industrial complex, which believes we are in constant danger from countless evil forces that can only be deterred by their products.Thank God they’re on our side! It’s all top secret, of course, so don’t ask. They could tell you, but then they’d have to charge you.
To you cynics out there, these blimps are not, as Army public relations officers are quick to point out, for keeping an eye on people on the ground. They say this with a completely straight face. There are no cameras or recording devices on board, they claim, just secret other stuff that can detect incoming missiles, although incoming from where was not revealed. (I’m guessing New Jersey.)
But it begs the questions: Are there Russian or Chinese submarines off the coast of Atlantic City? Does ISIS have intercontinental attack capability? If so, should these blimps be scarier looking than giant animal-shaped pillows from a child’s bedroom? Could they at least have frightening faces, like one of those monsters from Lord of the Rings, or maybe Donald Trump? (Heat-seeking missiles would detect no warmth, so they might turn back.)
In terms of public safety, the Army assures us these blimps can resist winds of more than 100 miles per hour, although I’m thinking if it’s that windy, they would stretch out and lean over like a beach kite that knocks over somebody’s cooler, or gets tangled in a pick-up football game. And then muscular young men come over and yell at you.
“Hey, buddy. Is that your blimp?”
“Actually, it belongs to the U.S. Army, and it’s made [pause for patriotic effect] by Raytheon.”
“Well, you’re going to have to pay for that cooler. There was beer in there, which we drink to help forget about the constant danger from countless evil forces.”
“Where’d you hear about those?”
“From Raytheon. We’re friends on Facebook.”
Thumbs up for Raytheon. And fingers crossed.
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