Corporations are People, and So are I

DEAR SIRS: (I’m totally kidding. I’m sure you have a woman or two in the office—not in leadership, of course, but in important support roles.)

This is to inform you that I, the undersigned, am changing my federal tax status. Beginning with tax year 2018, I will no longer be filing as “Married Filing Jointly” (or, as I’ve always wanted to do, “Married Filing Reluctantly and with an Attitude”). Instead, I’ll be filing as a “Major Corporation,” entitled to all the benefits and considerations therein. I realize this is a dramatic shift, but hear me out.

I have carefully followed the recent tax debate in Congress. (When I say “debate,” I mean “whispered conversations hidden from the public, although not necessarily behind closed doors, because special interests wouldn’t be able to fully contribute to the democratic process.”) In reading the new tax law, it occurred to me that I could better serve my own financial needs—as well as be a more patriotic citizen—if I took advantage of a classification normally reserved for industry. And since corporations are people and I, too, are a people, it seemed like the logical thing to do. (And with this new status, I might even become a major people. Fingers crossed.)

I’m not sure exactly what type of corporation I’ll become, and I hope you’ll fill out the forms for me, since I’m not a detail guy. I wouldn’t want to waste important Netflix time reviewing rules and regulations that Republican members of Congress rightly refer to as “onerous,” “burdensome,” and “bengazi.”

But I’m leaning toward one of those C corporations. I have a certain fondness for the letter “C,” since that was my grade point average in high school. (Alas, my GPA did not improve with the one A I earned, although that singular achievement in typing class still looks good on my résúmé.)

The advantage of being a major corporation, of course, is that many don’t pay any taxes at all. Granted, the U.S. had one of the highest corporate tax rates in the world at 35 percent, but we major corporate types kind of giggle at that, since the highest rate mainly affects small family businesses who can’t afford paid representation in Congress. (On the other hand, small businesses can take consolation in maybe never having to bake for gay people again, depending on what Justice Kennedy reads in his horoscope that morning.)

IN SETTING UP my own major corporation, I’ve decided to follow the example of American Airlines, Hewlett-Packard, NewsCorp, Loews, and Xerox, some of the companies that paid no income taxes in 2015. Yes, they were profitable and should have contributed to the common good, but there are other ways to raise money for the needs of our nation. For example, children could hold bake sales to pay for asbestos removal in their schools, and seniors could wash cars to help earn their Medicare. Granted, old people in tankinis might not be the best image for patriotic burden-sharing, but everybody needs to pitch in. And by “everybody” I mean the vast majority of Americans, the bottom 90 percent, to be specific.

It occurs to me that you might be skeptical of how my plan would make me a better citizen. But if you’ll permit me to explain:

•  I don’t plan to manufacture any products, but neither will I pollute streams, fill the skies with soot, or contribute to the warming of our planet, unlike ExxonMobil, Chevron, or BP. (I’m not including Shell because they have cool ads.)
• I will have no employees, so I won’t be laying off thousands of them when I move my manufacturing outside the United States. Nor will I replace the workers I don’t have with robots or other technology. (I might get one of those little robot vacuum cleaners, however, because it’s so cute and the cat would hate it.)
• I will pay no salaries to the workers I won’t have, but neither will I pay unlivable wages, a practice followed by Walmart, whose employees often require public assistance to survive.
• I don’t expect to profit from any of the sales I won’t make, so I won’t be filing thousands of pages of tax documents for you to pore over. Imagine how much time you’ll save! Heck, I’ll just send you a postcard, although mainly on birthdays and Christmas.

I HOPE YOU approve my new status, since keeping most of my hard-earned corporate money meshes well with the tax plan the Republicans passed just before Christmas. It gave billions to the rich in hopes that a little would trickle down to the rest of us. Which really captured the spirit of the season: It is better to give after having received.