Funny Business

Fast-food Frankness

I remember seeing them in all the bed-and-breakfast places we stopped in last summer in Maine on our honeymoon. And several retreat houses and homes of friends have them as well. I'm talking about those books that people sign, where they write how nice everything was and what a great time they had.

All the places I'd been in were really as nice as the nice people who signed the books said. But did you ever wonder if people are always honest in those little books? Would they say so if they had a lousy time, or mention that they only came here because the place they wanted to go to was full?

The McDonalds fast-food semi-restaurant on the Ohio Turnpike, just over the border from Pennsylvania, has your answer. Yes, they have a guest book. And believe me, when you've been traveling for several hours straight over the redundantly flat terrain of Ohio, having something so exciting to read is better than a Happy Meal.

Let's face it. People are honest when they're talking to an anonymous corporate chain and they know they will never pass this way again. The first person to write in the book was honest: "This place came at the right time--bladder was giving out."

The strategic location of this particular McDonalds lent itself to a small literary war, with such entries as, "The Browns are puppies--go Steelers!" Most of the other comments on the same topic, had they been uttered on a gridiron, would have led to personal fouls and ejection from the game.

Some of the entries were really creative, like "Sam for President." Then there were the truly shocking signatures. I mean, there it was, right in the book: "Elvis Presley." The address was "Graceland," and Elvis' comment was, "I am alive! Ordered seven Big Macs and 10 large fries."

Here's somebody else being honest. Clyde R. Futz writes, "I don't believe Juan Valdez picked the beans for this coffee." And, in a similar vein, the next person commented, "Decent fries but cold."

On the other hand, Jeffrey, Brian, and Julie Rubinski were terribly impressed by the place. They wrote simply (in gigantic letters), "AWESOME!" It was obvious from their comment that the Rubinskis are the law partners in the firm Rubinski, Rubinski, and Rubinski.

Other comments were equally revealing. Can't you just picture the fundamentalist Republican businessman who wrote "Peace and love forever" and decorated the words with peace signs and hearts? And how 'bout those Joneses? "Have a nice day. Love God!" wrote "The Jones Family." Probably a bunch of left-wing hippies vaguely reminiscent of the '60s.

Blest Be the Tie That Blinds

It's getting to be about that time of year again--time for the "Ugliest Tie in America" contest. Rev. James Konrad, a 56-year-old Congregational minister from Peru, Illinois, was last year's winner. He had bought his "hairy" tie--aqua paisley with gold glints and long silk threads--for a quarter at a rummage sale 10 years ago in St. Louis. He knew then that it was destined for fame.

Rev. Konrad occasionally used the tie when trying to teach children in his congregation that, although something might not look attractive, "there's a real value to it." The tie has won him a total of $625 in prize money. He decided to donate his winnings to a housing project he used to work with in St. Louis.

The hairy necktie clinched the national title by beating out a field of 10,000 competitors, including bright floral prints, polka dots, and a tie made of peacock feathers. Jerry Anderson, executive director of the Neckwear Association of America, commented at the event that in a nation that manufactures 95 million ties each year, the need is great to own a tie that is different. Keep your eyes open for these latest styles: a tie resembling a catfish and a permanently knotted tie made of wood.

Holy Mackerel!

I don't know about you, but I feel more secure just knowing where to go for advice--and it's right across from our volleyball field! (In case of nuclear war, let your fingers do the walking.)

Fallout Shelters--Consultants
Brookland Fish Market 3736 10th St NE ------529-1122

Joyce Hollyday was associate editor of Sojourners when this article appeared.