Funny Business

Summer's Over ...

Of course the summer is over. But not to us. You see, it's still August as I write this for our November issue, which you'll receive in October (and we've been planning it since July). Don't make me explain; I'll just have to ask somebody else ...

All right, I will tell you about my summer vacation. But remember, you insisted.

Driving across the country to visit in-laws is never easy, since we have to spend most of our travel time exhausted, trying to think up in-car diversions for cooped-up kids. So we usually start our trips at night, because we get farther along the road when our girls are not awake. The only problem is, the driver often isn't either, so my wife and I take turns ... falling asleep at the wheel.

By breakfast the kids are up and squirming, but we feel gratified to have driven 700 miles. Unfortunately, Dallas is still another 700 miles away, so we spend the day exhausted, trying to think up in-car diversions for cooped-up kids.

After a couple of hours, we will resort to anything. Like singing "A Hundred Bottles of Apple Juice on the Wall" all the way through. Twice. Or "Hey, kids, let's play 'Throw Stuff Out The Window'" is always good for a couple of miles ... and a $500 fine.

It doesn't help that for the past two years we've gotten a flat tire in Kentucky.

HUSBAND: Dear, what did that sign say?
WIFE: It said, "Welcome to Kentucky."
TIRE: Phlumpeda, phlumpeda, phlumpeda ...

A "full service" (coffee, bathrooms, no paper towels) truck stop was nearby, so we pulled in and got help. Washington, D.C. license plates don't always get the warmest welcome on the road, since many people out there think the country's problems are my fault, and with my guilt problems, I usually agree with them. But soon the tire was fixed, and I waited at the counter to pay my check. One friendly driver asked, "Did you get gas?" "No." I replied, "just a little diarrhea."

The trip back was uneventful, if you call getting stopped for speeding "uneventful." My wife just calls it $57 we'll never see again, but that's just because she takes a narrower view than I do. I like to think of it as meeting new friends (with badges), or learning about new technologies ("Oh, THAT'S how the radar gun works. Thank you for explaining it to me, Officer ...")

Well, we're back home now, preparing for the new school year. The kids are packed and ready to return to their exclusive Swedish boarding school, and they are promising to write more this term. My wife and I are looking forward to our free evenings of reading, journaling, perhaps some backgammon.

And as I begin my 40th year, reflecting on how I'll spend the remaining two-thirds of my life, and jotting down these pleasant memories for my biographer, I feel content. Content that another summer season has come and gone. Content that we laughed, we lived, we loved, and that nobody made fun of me on the beach.

And Now The News ...

- A Chicago Board of Trade clerk was recently fired for eating a two-inch-long cockroach at work. Successfully responding to a $200 dare, Brian Waller was nonetheless relieved of his duties since it is against the board's rules to eat on the floor of the exchange.

- In an effort to increase its alumni endowment, Boston University recently came up with a plan to sell life insurance policies on randomly selected students. The university would be named beneficiary, and a $5,500 one-time premium would produce a $350,000 payment upon the untimely death of the student. The genius of this clever idea, however, is being lost on students who fear the plan might encourage university officials to wish for their deaths.

- Asked if the CIA was planning any covert actions against Colombia drug lords, President Bush told reporters, "If I told you, it wouldn't be covert, would it?"

And Finally ...

After repeated and unsuccessful efforts to deposit the $10 million sample check I receive each year in the Publishers' Clearinghouse envelope, I have decided that I can no longer depend on the false promises of strangers. I have decided to earn my money the old-fashioned way.

Mom, Dad, I'll be in touch.

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.