Appearances Can Be Deceiving

AS A CHRISTIAN social justice magazine, Sojourners maintains very high standards. We take seriously our prophetic role of holding political leaders accountable, but we also adhere to important social norms when calling out an individual. We would never consider commenting on a person’s physical appearance, such as the fact that Jeff Sessions is too short for his ears. No, we take the high road. It’s what’s inside that counts, and we would never stoop so low as to denigrate someone’s dress or demeanor. That would be wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

However.

Is it just me, or have you noticed that Ivanka Trump and her husband seem to be possessed by aliens?

In photographs taken before the election they appear happy, spontaneous, and completely at ease with their life of obscene wealth and unconscionable luxury. They looked like real people. Maybe not the real people you’d see at Trader Joe’s, but pretty normal.

But look at them now. Their well-known physical beauty is almost too perfect, their skin a porcelain rigidity unmarred by the usual strains of life (even the rich have their struggles, such as the boorish demands of nannies to take the weekend off). Their smiles are frozen and emotionless, their faces uncreased by laugh lines, their voices without inflection. It’s as if their bodies are hosts to creatures whose study of human behavior was limited to a vintage-doll catalogue. (If they’d studied an L.L. Bean catalog, they could have imitated more normal-looking people, albeit insufferably cheerful and well-equipped for any outdoor activity.)

Regardless of venue or circumstance, Ivanka and Jared speak in the same, measured voice we hold suspect when adult members of our species emit words completely detached from reality. Ivanka claimed her father was “vindicated” by the blistering testimony of former FBI director—and platinum member of Big and Tall Stores—James Comey. Only an alien unfamiliar with human norms would think that being called a liar in a televised hearing looks good on your résumé. Not to mention Jared’s emotionless face, which conveys no awareness of the Russian cloud billowing at his feet.

They appear to be possessed by a being not quite used to its new human forms. I’m familiar with that look. I know the signs, because I’ve seen it in lots of movies. (Some people say I watch too many movies. But I say you can’t watch too many, although you only need to see Love Actually once. After that, it’s like adding whipped cream to s’mores. Your teeth start to hurt.)

I ADMIT THE cinematic fuel for my imagination sometimes leads me down a path of paranoia and fear. When my cellphone screen recently went dark without warning, my first reaction was to see if people around me were having the same problem. With an instant sense of foreboding, I expected everyone on the street to be looking down at their nonfunctioning phones, as car engines stopped spontaneously and traffic came to a standstill. And I expected the ever-present Jehovah’s Witnesses on the corner to start shouting “This is it! We warned you! So what do you think of our magazine NOW!? (We still have copies.)”

At that moment, one of only two explanations seemed possible: Aliens were sending us a message that our technology had finally reached the point of threatening their own distant way of life, and they were now approaching our solar system bent on our imminent destruction. That, or I needed to reboot my iPhone.

If it’s the former, then our only recourse would be to defend our Earth against an invading force, despite the odds, bravely going into battle, facing certain death after a painful and bloody ...

... Okay, maybe not that. On second thought, it might be better to begin composing the precise wording of our surrender. You want to get the phrasing just right, you know, not too pushy. (When dealing with a superior race, it’s important to set the proper tone.)

And if Ivanka and Jared are under the influence of aliens, her father may want to get some distance from them. Donald Trump could be the first politician to leave public life to spend less time with his family.